Holding Yourself Back

By: Liz Livingston from the Utah Statesman

Issue date: 9/6/06 Section: Features

"I had low self-esteem for a long time. I never wore the right clothes at school. I never had the right hair," said Lana Smith (name changed), a USU senior in political science. "I always did my makeup wrong and I guess I just wasn't good at making conversation with people."

 

Amy Kleiner, a therapist for the USU Counseling Center, says self-esteem is having a sense of competence and worthiness.

 

"You feel competent to set goals and feel confident to pursue those goals," she said.

 

Diane Calloway-Graham, an associate professor of social work and therapist at the Child and Family Support Center, explained it as the degree to which we view ourselves positively.

 

"Self-esteem as a concept begins in early childhood, so then is the most important time to be developing a sense of self," Kleiner said. "There are multiple sources which impact our self-esteem: peers, teachers, extended family, life experiences and passing remarks that people make sometimes in anger can hurt self esteem."

 

Calloway-Graham said, "If you have low self-esteem, chances are you've learned it from interaction from your family. Low self-esteem can hinder the relationship with your family.

 

You're not able to be as independent as you would like to be, you wouldn't stand up for yourself or be more assertive - especially as a college student. Someone with low self-esteem will stay in more of the child-mode of relating to family than as an adult relating to an adult."

 

Someone with low self-esteem is more likely to be in one or more abusive relationships, Kleiner said. This person will not feel he is good enough and will not stand up for himself, she said.

 

Calloway-Graham said there are three parts to self-esteem: the way we see ourselves, the way others see us and the way we want to be.

 

"The way we see ourselves is greatly impacted by the way we think our peers see us," she said. "I think one thing that is a problem for students is that sometimes you'll end up getting in an unhealthy relationship and you don't know how to get out of it."

 

Smith experienced this side effect of low self-confidence firsthand.

 

"When I got to high school and some guy asked me out that I didn't even know, I was shocked," she said. "That raised my self-esteem, but not enough that in the relationship I was able to tell him 'no' to certain things.

 

I thought he would get upset or not want to see me anymore. After dating him for two years, I got into a really abusive relationship with another guy for five months."

 

But abusive relationships don't always have to be the romantic kind, Kleiner said, noting friends and family can manipulate and take advantage.

 

"You need to have good communicating skills. If you don't listen to your children, they can feel as though they don't belong. A good parent-child interaction can help the child feel important," Calloway-Graham said. "For example, your kid asks for a hug or to play with him, pay attention for a minute. If you're busy, talk with your kid and explain to him you will play more later."

 

Smith agreed with this aspect of building confidence, saying her parents never really acknowledged the things she was proud of.

 

"I have ADHD and in elementary school, I was always told to stop misbehaving and to get my work done," she said. "I got so distracted that I was usually a project behind the other kids. But even when I was getting things done on time, nobody seemed to care."

 

Calloway-Graham said the same goes for communication in adult relationships, romantic or not.

 

"Reinforce positive qualities. Give praise and feedback. Don't just tell someone they did something well; be specific about what they did well," she said.

 

Student-teacher relationships can also benefit from this skill.

 

"Professors on campus should encourage and empower our students to be able to feel good about themselves," she said. "As faculty members we're really busy, but I still think that in our interaction we can take the time to encourage the students."

 

A student can go away to college and be determined to improve his self-esteem, Kleiner said, but when they go back to their family system and they are reminded of the past, they need to prepare to deal with that.

 

There are many ways college students can improve their self-esteem the best way, Kleiner says, is getting involved in extra-curricular activities.

 

"People with low self-esteem do not get involved in activities and have lower academic achievements. They feel they can't do anything to change their life circumstances," she said. "People with high self-esteem have a tendency to set goals and overcome obstacles, get more involved and become leaders. As you do well in school, as you get more involved, that just increases your self-esteem."

 

Smith said this technique after some pushing - helped her break through her confidence issues. "When I came to college four years ago, I met my now husband. He encouraged me to do what I thought was right, even if he didn't agree," she said. "I got involved in the Housing program, I joined a few clubs, participated in study groups and got a job."

 

The effects of stepping out of her comfort zone were life-changing, she said.

 

"I feel that getting involved in activities, having a job and gaining better communication skills helped to raise my self-esteem," she said." I'm not the same person I was five years ago."

 

As the school year gets off to a busy start and the pressures of jobs, extra-curricular activities and new roommates sets in, stress can also have a negative effect on a student's self-esteem.

 

"You need to get a better perspective on what's going on. Sometimes students take on way too much like working full time and taking a full load of classes," Calloway-Graham said. "You need to develop effective time-management skills. If you don't, then you won't be able to juggle everything."

 

"As the stress level increases, it becomes much more difficult to cope with the everyday struggles you might have," Kleiner said. "If you take somebody with low self-esteem, stress will just make it even more difficult to maintain those relationships. This person will have a harder time accepting critical feedback which just keeps increasing the feeling of the lack of personal worth."